I Am Going Straight To Hell

As this election comes to a close, and the campaigns get ramped up like my kids after a breakfast of cotton candy and Snickers bars, I find myself needing a familiar remedy … two xanax and a margarita. Look, I like Obama as much as the next socialist, jungle fever, Muslim hugging, white, soccer mom, right-to-chooser with Marxist tendencies … but I swear to God, somebody from that campaign calls me every three hours. When I see the letters ‘d’, ‘e’, ‘m’ on the caller ID, I pray that it’s a robocall. “YES!!! I still support Obama ~ just like I did three hours ago, yesterday, and last week! Can’t somebody make a note of that? I promise not to change my mind, I have a ride to the polls, and yes, I will pick up an elderly neighbor on my way! STOP CALLING ME OR I WILL VOTE FOR MCCAIN JUST TO SPITE YOU!!!!!” (enter: xanax & margarita.)


I’ve had enough now and so I’ve decided to intervene … to shut down this process early. How do I plan to do that??? I bet you’re asking yourself that very question … right? This is how: I have a secret weapon hidden away under my bed … a secret weapon that is so powerful … so magical … it can bring enemies together, realign the history of the universe, and create a savior so powerful that millions will denounce logic and follow blindly. Sounds AWESOME, doesn’t it?


Are you wondering how I acquired such awesome power? Quite simply, it was a gift … a birthday gift … from someone I adore … a gifted debater, a red-white-and-blue republican, and a born again evangelical. The gift, which was acquired through an auction (fundraiser), was the classic “gag” gift … and I have to admit that I did throw up in my mouth a little when I realized what I had received … Jerry Falwell’s shoes … his size 11 and ½, black, Florsheim shoes.


These are the shoes he wore every day in 2005: when The Preacher un-broke up with The Maverick … just in time to afford McCain some evangelical love before his big re-run for president; that he gleefully donated, to his Creation Museum (which I think Sarah Palin must have visited or read about since she’s down with man riding dinosaurs to temple), which my misguided friend, who apparently has entirely too much money & time on his hands paid $208.39 for; and these are the shoes Dr. Falwell was wearing in 2005 when he coroneted Sean Hannity, savior of the republican party by giving him an honorary degree (and the only one he has) from Liberty University.


It’s like wearing Superman’s cape or Wonder Woman’s bracelets … just not as cool, but obviously more powerful and I’m going to exploit that power … The shoes giveth and now the shoes will taketh away … (insert: wicked, evil laughter!)



So tonight, under the cloak of darkness, I am going to commit an act so unimaginable, a sacrilege so heinous that my teenage daughter will have to join the witness protection program and Sean Hannity may, once and for all, go completely stark-raving mad. Tonight I will seal the deal for Obama with God … just imagine me, standing inside a giant sidewalk chalk ‘O’ in the middle of my driveway, chanting, “YES! We Can; Yes! We Can” … wearing nothing but Jerry Falwell’s shoes and a smile.